Using your anxiety to fuel your art

Turning your weakness into your superpower

Hi there!

I hope you had a lovely weekend. I’m working on my debut picture book right now which is really exciting. I feel so grateful to have this opportunity. And yet…

Another feeling has popped up as well in the last week or so.

Anxiety. Dun dun dun.

Especially when I started the “final” art.

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Here is an audio version of this post if you’d prefer to listen instead.

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For years I didn’t consider myself an artist. I was always a writer first. But when I finally realized making children’s books was a job (I still don’t understand why it took me so long), I couldn’t help myself. When a story arrived, my fingers itched to figure out the way it worked visually. So I started sketching. Then I started playing with color. Then I started painting. And I couldn’t stop. What can I say…it’s really fun!

Eventually I found myself with a book deal not only for my writing, but also for my art. It was a dream come true! (It still is.) Most of the time, I feel excited and grateful and I’ve cried many happy tears. But sometimes my fears get triggered by something and then they get really loud. What if I fail? What if it isn’t good? What if I embarrass myself in the process?

A few years ago, this anxiety spiral made me freeze, and I couldn’t create anything until the storm stopped. That really sucked.

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I thought the answer was to try harder, fight harder, relax better, do more. Anxiety was a problem to solve. An issue to fix. Something to overcome in order to create again.

This approach didn’t work. In fact, it actually got me creatively stuck for years.

But then I found THE ARTIST WAY by Julia Cameron. (I recommend it to every creative person I know.)

Cameron taught me two main habits: 1) free-writing a few pages per day and 2) going on one inspiring artist date per week. Free-writing showed me how to channel my anxiety into my writing. I let myself say whatever I wanted, even if it was repetitive or annoying or angry. Artist dates taught me how to play again.

Over time, these habits helped rewire my brain. Instead of focusing so much on the final result (is it good?), I focused on the process (am I having fun? am I expressing something? does this feel engaging and meaningful?). I discovered that creative play was an antidote to perfectionism. And I not only got unstuck, I stayed unstuck. Yay!

So…now I’m all good!

Hah! I wish.

Now I still get triggered by things. Things that send my brain back into a results-oriented, perfectionistic type of cycle.

Remember earlier when I mentioned my anxiety lately and that it had to do with the final art? Well, let’s pause on that word: FINAL. It’s absolutely terrifying, isn’t it? That word pushed me right back into “It has to be good. It’s about the results.” So what did I do?

I wrote my daily pages. These pages helped me realize the word FINAL is a trigger for me which will be helpful in the future since the word final is not going anywhere.

I took myself on an artist date. Because my anxiety was so high, I kept it super simple. I wandered the library picking up things that called to me and stumbled upon the award-winning animated movie BOY AND THE WORLD. It inspired me so much that I want to share more about it in a future newsletter. Stay tuned ;)

I channeled my anxiety into my work. Usually I can channel my anxiety into the current project. I simply pick a story puzzle to solve and my anxious brain does all the work for me. But occasionally my anxiety will be so high that I have to throw it off; trying something new often does the trick. Last week I played with some new risograph digital brushes. My brain was like, “Who cares if it looks bad? You can just blame it on the fact that you’ve never done this before.” This allowed me to play.

Here is one of the things I made:

I’m not exaggerating when I say that these three strategies work for me every time. They don’t work overnight. But if I stick to them with a bit of patience and consistency, I’ll find my playful self again.

An important note: When I say “channel my anxiety into my work,” I’m not talking about that frantic-overachiever-can’t-stop-won’t-stop mode. I’ve been there many times (like the last two weeks) and that place doesn’t feel playful or free. There’s a big difference between being ruled by anxiety and expressing anxiety. Expression is deliberate. It isn’t fear based. It is an act of hope.

Now anxiety doesn’t stifle my creativity. It fuels it.

My weakness has become my superpower.

And nothing can stand in my way! Muahahaha!

Your learning-to-appreciate-the-gift-of-anxiety-even-though-it-can-be-really-annoying-sometimes friend,

Rachel