My friendship tell all!

From someone who's always struggled to make friends

Hello there!

I’ve been thinking a lot about friendship and how much of a struggle it’s been my whole life. I always thought I was just bad at it. But the more I share my experiences, the more I learn that EVERYONE struggles with friendships. Kids. Teens. Adults. Maybe even you?

So I decided to dedicate this newsletter to the frustrations and beauty of friendships. Share some of my vulnerable moments and epiphanies. Delight in the awkward and celebrate the miraculous moments of connection I’ve felt along the way.

My hope is that by sharing a few of my experiences, some of you may feel more accepted and less alone too. So here we go!

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Friendship snapshots

2-4 years old

My mom was a single parent and often needed to put my sister and me in daycare, so she could work. This gave me a strong social foundation. I was friends with everyone. Carefree. Adaptable. Open.

Truth: People can love you.

I was trying so hard to smile right that I forgot how to smile at all ;)

But then I had some difficult family stuff happen, and my biological father left us. I felt abandoned and rejected. It was the first time I learned that people could really hurt me, and I felt afraid a lot of the time.

Truth: People can hurt you.

My sister Andria and I at a family Christmas pageant.

5-8 years old

I was bullied at school. It didn’t help that I had to wear giant glasses with bifocals to help correct my lazy eye. Then my mom got remarried and my five new step-siblings didn’t like me. School wasn’t safe. Home wasn’t safe. I found my safe space in books.

Truth: You can always find a safe space (and a friend) in books.

My blended family

Through all the rejection, I developed a lot of anxiety. I didn’t realize it was anxiety until my 20s as it manifested as good grades, responsible behavior, and emotional maturity—all celebrated qualities by the adults around me. To express and process those big emotions, I would write and paint and make funny videos and sew and play piano and dance. Now that I look back, I can see that creativity taught me how to transform my fears into something beautiful. It gave me the courage to leave my toxic bully “friends” and take a chance on others again.

Truth: Creating something takes courage. So does friendship.

They called themselves the cheetah girls. This could be a mean girls poster haha.

9-11 years old

I entered fifth grade determined to be a friend to everyone I met. I reached out to others and thrived at school and extracurricular activities. I found a supportive group of friends. I remember my proudest achievement that year was winning the Hope of America award. For me it was a symbol that, though things at home were rocky and I was facing constant rejection from my step-siblings, I could determine my own life.

Truth: Being a friend is more powerful than hoping for friends.

12-14 years old

Then middle school happened. Almost all my friends went to a different school. My best friend started to get into makeup and boys and being popular while I just wanted to keep having silly dance parties and making funny videos together (I’m still like this!). One day, she suddenly stopped talking to me. I remember visiting her house and bawling, “Why don’t you want to be my friend anymore?” as she sat in silence. I never understood what happened. My family stuff got even more overwhelming as my parents separated. At school, I felt connected to individuals but always on the outside of the group. It seemed like all the rules of friendship had changed, and everyone understood them but me.

Truth: People can leave at any time. Friendships end.

Me with some neighborhood friends (I’m on the left) — I definitely felt like an outsider

15-17 years old

In high school, due to someone reaching out to me, I gathered up the courage to reach out to others again. I developed quality friendships both inside and outside of classes. I was still confused by the complicated rules of friendship and now DATING. Yikes. But by senior year, I had a few great groups of friends, one of which included my current best friend and husband, Aaron (we didn’t get married until years later).

Truth: It may take years to find them, but good friends are always out there.

17-24 years old

When graduation rolled around, I felt confident I could make new friends in the future. Besides, my best friend at the time was going to the same college! How exciting! We drove up to orientation together. I remember her being strangely distant as I chatted with the other attendees. On the way home, I asked if she was okay. She didn’t really answer, and after that event, she didn’t talk to me ever again. Awkwardly we both decided to live on campus and got placed within a few rooms of each other. She pretended like she didn’t know me. It hurt and shook me for a while. But this time I recovered quicker and focused on making other friends.

Truth: An important part of friendship is learning to let people go.

Me with one of my best friends in college (still BFFs today)

These years were full of fun and silly and heartwarming memories. There was also a lot of confusion and heartbreak too. When yet another friend suddenly stopped talking to me, it triggered my old fears of not being good enough or lovable. The common denominator of all these failed friendships was me. I believed that this kept happening because there was something wrong with me. But then one of these friends (I will be forever grateful to her) wrote me an apology letter. She said she had been jealous of me, and for the first time, I realized that it didn’t have to be my fault. Maybe people are complicated and afraid (just like I am), and some people react to those feelings by withdrawing.

Truth: Sometimes people aren’t able to be a friend because of their own struggles. It doesn’t mean something is wrong with you.

25-30 years old

I started working “adult” jobs and met a lot of different people. But yet again, the rules of friendship changed. What is this thing we call adult friendship? And then once you have a partner or get married, it gets even more complicated. Double dates can be great when everyone likes hanging out with each other but that usually takes a miracle. Ah! Adult friendship is hard.

Truth: There is no one size fits all approach to friendship.

Thankfully, along the way I made a group of dear friends who loved geeking out about creativity and stories and writing. That child self who just wanted to make stuff with friends peeked out after a long hibernation. She led the way to children’s books where I met even more people who wanted to geek out and make stuff. For the first time ever, I felt like I was a part of a COMMUNITY.

Truth: Community is even harder to find than friendship. But it’s worth the wait.

Here are just a few of the wonderful kidlit friends I’ve made along the way. There’s also many I haven’t met in person.

31 years old (now)

At the risk of sounding too “I lived happily ever after” about it all, I want to be honest about the fact that it hasn’t all been sunny, even after finding community. I’ve spent all 31 years trying to figure out friendship. Most of my life, I’ve overcomplicated it. Friendships are hard. People are complicated and confusing. We all struggle with assumptions and expectations and communication.

Sometimes I’ve made friends with people who eventually took advantage of me, who turned out to be adult bullies, and who saw me as an opportunity instead of a person. The more I put myself out there, the more I will probably encounter people like that.

BUT that’s what makes those moments of genuine friendship even more remarkable! The fact that two imperfect people can connect across their fears and baggage and trauma and insecurities is pretty cool.

If there is anything I’ve learned over this friendship rollercoaster of mine, it’s that there will always be GOOD friends out there.

Truth: People will love you. People will hurt you. Friendship is worth the risk.

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Thanks for sitting with me AT THE KID TABLE. I’ll save you a seat next week!

All the best from your imperfect friend,

Rachel

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