How do I learn to trust myself?
Being smacked by jellyfish and working through creative anxiety
Oh hi there!
This week Aaron and I were minding our own business when we were smacked by a smack of jellyfish! (Isn’t that the best name for a hoard of jellies?) We counted about 100 in the water near us—just lazily passing through. I found them super relaxing to watch, and I wanted to share that feeling with you, so here are just a few.
Speaking of being smacked, I’ve been getting smacked with emotion as I start my second book. Typical me.
I’m learning that every time I start a new book, I feel this burst of energy that includes both excitement and anxiety. Sometimes it feels like a brain swirling with ideas. Other times it feels like I’m drowning. Or freezing. Swirl. Drown. Freeze. Basically I go through the “creativity” version of the water cycle.
I’ve been wondering…how do I get better at handling these emotions so I don’t get in my own way so much? What’s the difference between the times I’m bursting with excitement and the times I’m drowning in anxiety?
Well, buckle up that life preserver, baby. Cuz today we’re diving in to the deep end. (Floaties also acceptable.)
Look ma, I’m swimming
Creativity feels exciting when I am able to trust myself. This doesn’t mean I think every idea I have is brilliant. It’s more like a confidence that carries me through the messy middle. An inner voice that says things like, “It’s okay that you don’t know right now. It’s all part of the fun.” Or “You are allowed to write a bad sentence, sketch a bad composition, compose a heaping pile of garbage.”
When I am able to trust myself, my creativity is fueled by curiosity instead of fear. I can expand. Experiment. Take risks. PLAY!
Help ma, I’m drowning
I feel like I’m drowning when…you guessed it…I don’t trust myself.
Without trust, my creativity is fueled by fear. Fear of failure. Fear of letting people down. Fear of you name it, I got it. The problem with creating in fear is that I make the safe decisions. I stick to my comfort zone. I think this is because when I’m drowning in fear, ANY creativity feels like a risk. Even the “safe” stuff.
This week,
shared a lesson he learned from a book he made which sums it all up perfectly: “the enemy [to creative endeavors] is risk aversion.”When we take risks, our brains can feel “swamped with data.” (Just like my feeling of drowning!) But then he made this important point:
The flailing is good. It creates the ripe conditions for connecting some dots that were not on the radar at all when we first set out.
Wow. So “drowning” is an essential part of the creative process and leads us to better creative solutions. His point helped me realize…
What if I only feel like I’m drowning because when I jump into the risky deep end of creativity, I forget that I can actually swim?
And because I forget I can swim, I go to the safer choices just to survive. And then my work gets a bit stiff and stale. Until I remember I can swim. Fear turns to trust. And trust turns to play.
So I guess the real question is…how do I train myself to jump into the deep end with trust instead of fear? To get a little faster at remembering I can swim? To feel a bit more comfortable with risk?
Thanks goodness superstar Brené Brown researched trust and can help me out.
What the research says about trust
Brown says that “trust is built in very small moments.” Trust is also betrayed in the small moments when we “choose not to connect when the opportunity is there.”
She describes the seven parts of trust using the acronym BRAVING that apply to both our relationships with others and with ourselves:
Boundaries: Being clear about your boundaries and respecting them.
Reliability: Doing what you say you are going to do with consistency, and being clear about our limitations, so we don’t over promise and under deliver.
Accountability: “Own it, apologize for it, and make amends.”
Vault: Holding and respecting the stories others share with you in confidence.
Integrity: “Choosing courage over comfort, choosing what’s right over what’s fun, fast or easy, and practicing your values, not just professing your values.”
Non-judgment: Being able to ask for help without being judged and give help without judging. When we think less of ourselves for needing help, consciously or not, we think less of others for needing help.
Generosity: Assuming “the most generous thing about words, intentions, and behaviors” and check in with people instead of waiting for them to screw up.
So how do I learn to trust myself?
Now I’m going to attempt to apply what I learned from Brown to my creative life. Gulp.
I can learn to trust myself by:
Setting clear boundaries to protect my creative energy (taking breaks, exercising, eating healthy, etc.). And most importantly, respecting them!
Reliably showing up to do the work — this is so cool because even if I don’t make anything, the act of showing up will build trust in and of itself.
Owning, apologizing, and making amends to myself when I fall short.
Respecting my stories by holding them in confidence until I’m ready to share instead of needing validation before they are ready.
Listening to that inner voice that tells me when an idea is too safe and then choosing what is right for the story instead of what is easy.
Asking for help from friends when I need it (I actually did that this week and it was such a rewarding experience).
Being generous with myself by not assuming I’m just being “[insert judgmental word here]” and checking in about what’s actually going on underneath.
I know I won’t be perfect at any of these. But it is inspiring to know that trust is not built by monumental efforts but in the small moments.
What helps you build trust in yourself?
Phew! Time to dry off from our deep dive.
This week’s newsletter was brought to you by…
The Glamorous Lives of Paid Subscribers
Note: These facts are fake but hopefully they give you a smile, a spark of an idea, or just general enjoyment.
Joanna Rowland once swam with sharks dressed as a fish. Luckily this was after Finding Nemo came out so the sharks knew that “fish are friends and not food.”
Marietta Apollonio challenged The Rock to an arm wrestle and won. To be fair, he was having a bad day, so she bought him dinner.
Angela Pham Krans changed my life when she posted a video of how easy it is to cut pizza with scissors (this one is true).
Thanks for sitting with me this week AT THE KID TABLE. As always, I’ll save you a seat next to me.
Your ready-to-dive-into-the-deep-end-of-risky-creative-decisions friend,
Rachel
Thank you for this, Rachel! I totally relate right now. Same happened with Jacob's post! To me, there are two really hard moments when making a book. The first one, is right at the start: you have to define everything, and it's scary to go in the wrong direction. The second one is when I've already spent a great amount of time in the book, and I want to finish! But the book is not ready yet! And I keep getting corrections, and I don't know if I'll ever finish! And I'm tired, and I want to work on something else... That's where my personal drowning goes wild. I'm right there, using discipline as my life saver to keep myself afloat.
I’m so honored to be a part of this newsletter and more importantly that some of the thoughts rattling around in my brain helped spur you on. I am digging where you ended up on trusting yourself. Good stuff! And good luck with that 2nd book. Rooting you on!!